What is Love...

It occurred to me that he's a good liar. So good he has himself convinced.
And after the last year out of 7, I've about had it. I'm no longer falling for the lies he's told himself.
This is may be tougher on him than me, I'm already planning my life without him - I'm no longer waiting for him to see, to decide.

The rest of my life begins now. With or without him.

1 Comments | Send To Friend | 19 November 2008

Ongoing...

Well the initial panic is settled into chronic low-grade fear...
4 days after the trip to the hospital, and 4 days into the month-long initial prescription. Dr's appointments and nutritionists appointments, and bodytalk sessions oh my. My arms are starting to look like pincushions, I get to go back in 2 weeks for MORE bloodtests. I have yet to hear from the neurologist - and that's the important one. HE will be the one who determines whether I have to continue taking the drug or not. And if it keeps me from having seizures, I'm inclined these days to say okay to it...the shock has settled into sadness that it had to be the way it is, and curiosity about why it all happened and how or if I can make it better like I somehow managed to 15 years ago. And so my focus is on my own health. I'll be living here 'til spring - no point in moving out if I am physically incapable of living on my own...

Louise Hay's little blue book says Epilepsy is running away from the family, the self, or from life....

so I guess I should turn and face it all, whatever exactly "it" is...
I suppose the bodytalk session on Saturday will have some answers...

In the meantime, many blessings all.

2 Comments | Send To Friend | 8 October 2008

Tumultuous Times

Well it certainly seems there's rarely middle ground in my life...

After a few weeks working hard to launch my business this autumn, and some busy and personal growing experience and time with family, after taking supplements to help my liver "detox" and having worked through some anger issues over the turmoil from the springtime...
and in the middle of plans to move out of my mom's place again...
I had 2 epileptic seizures in the middle of the night last night. One of those things that I'm thankful that my mother is around for. She heard me struggling to breathe (I was in a deep sleep before the seizures and after) so got up and checked on me...

SO... 3 hours at emerg on a sunday morning, a monthlong prescription for anti-epileptic drug, and soon to have an appointment with a neurologist for testing.

It had been over 15 years since I'd had a seizure and I'd been off meds for 11 years. I was even gonna get a drivers' license this month....which is now out of the question.

0 Comments | Send To Friend | 5 October 2008

Quarry Days

What a hot sunny summer afternoon. Spent in a little town north of here, which was celebrating the anniversary of its founding, based on a limestone quarry...Main Street was turned into a fairway, games, live entertainment, food, people...

Whew, I'm worn out just from being out in the hot sun. It was over 30C today... probably more out in the street since the pavement reflects the heat....

But it was good to get out. Thanx JN for dragging my lazy ass out of the air conditioning.

0 Comments | Send To Friend | 16 August 2008

Off to the Okanagan

Well, the chaos that is my mind has to settle for now, it's time for the family reunion. I'm headed to BC for a couple of weeks. The mayhem of practical jokes and bocci ball competitions shall outdo any chaos that I create mentally. But it's good clean fun!

May or may not check online if I have the chance.

Many blessings all,
~C.

0 Comments | Send To Friend | 24 July 2008

Apostrophe to the Other Woman

So it's been a couple of months, and we're in counselling, trying to make it work. He decided on me after being given a choice.

And yet, it's not over. Your spirit and his are connected. You're here even when you're supposedly out of his life. He speaks of you, your presence is felt when we're together. And when we're not. He thinks of you, You still think of him, when you're living your own life, working, playing, fukking your own bf, thinking of your Soul Twin - the man who is supposedly with me.

You want him and he says he wants to be with me by choice, all I think is that he feels obligated to be here with me, even though he's somehow wishing for the connection you two have. It pains me to see him so unhappy, so unwilling to make the choice to make his spirit happy. I'm sick of it dragging me down.

I tried to tell him to go have you, if it was your destiny to be together it would happen either way, and I'd willingly let him go. And he won't.
SO COME GET HIM. I'm fed up with the "what if's", with you always being between us, fed up with him being so stoic, tired of trying to push down my doubt of my future with him.

Maybe he'll get the idea of his destiny when you make the move and leave me to my own life.

And yet I know you won't because he's told me you "don't ask guys out."
You'll just haunt his spirit and make him miserable. that's a real b!tch thing to do.

Life's a b!tch.

0 Comments | Send To Friend | 9 June 2008

Update

Well, I guess it's been a while since I updated on the personal situation... maybe that song posting would make more sense of my life...

Counselling was hard to wait for, given the waiting list of 4 weeks...Now that we're going weekly, it shows promise. I had gone in with the idea of dumping him with a witness present.

It's tough to ditch your best friend. especially since there's so many other qualities he has that I look for in a partner.

So we're working on it. The roller-coaster of our relationship is on the upswing. The "other woman" has been removed from his life. Not that she was feasible anyway, being 11 years younger than him and all. Soul Twin vs. soul mate for him. He's chosen his mate(me).

I dunno about all that soul twin stuff. Or what will come next for us. We'll just keep going to the counselling and trying to communicate for now.
I've got my own life to live and I'd love to live it with him around. I still don't know if we have enough common goals in our lives...

The only certain things in life seem to really be death & taxes.

Cheers all!
~C.

0 Comments | Send To Friend | 25 May 2008